


lost in translation

by ilikemybooksthick



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Carolina Hurricanes, Feelings Realization, Introspection, M/M, POV Alternating, Pining, lots and lots of feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-06
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23036623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ilikemybooksthick/pseuds/ilikemybooksthick
Summary: Thoughts after a series of loses while Dougie is out for his recovery.(previously entitled "tocka")
Relationships: Dougie Hamilton/Andrei Svechnikov
Comments: 11
Kudos: 60





	1. Andrei

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfic! This is supposed to be as realistic of a closeted, nineteen year old mind as possible. I tried to do this sweetheart justice. Thank you.
> 
> [moodboard](https://ilikemyficthicc.tumblr.com/post/639694822553337856/lost-in-translation-thoughts-after-a-series-of)

Andrei wishes he could explain it, the feeling. “Тоска.” Vladimir Nabokov, the great Russian writer, once tried to explain the untranslatable word (far better than Andrei ever could):

“At its deepest and most painful, it is a sensation of great spiritual anguish, often without any specific cause. At less morbid levels it is a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, _a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning. In particular cases it may be the desire for somebody or something specific, nostalgia, love-sickness_. At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom…”

Andrei has never read Vladimir’s books, despite their fame. And he definitely hasn’t read ‘War and Peace’ either, despite his namesake. He moved to the States when he was 16. Books didn’t matter to him then and honestly, they still don’t now. (He’s only 19, but will be 20 really soon, so he should probably do better on the book front.) He only ever cared about hockey. It was _always_ hockey. They moved to be closer to his brother and to get closer to The Dream. The NHL. He wishes now he read more. So that he could explain “тоска” to his teammates. But he worries then they might ask, what is he yearning for? Pining for? Desiring? _Who_? He could claim all he wants is to be winning again. “More wins. That’s all I want”. But that wouldn’t be true. He wasn’t just restless because of their recent losses. It wasn’t just because of the pressure to make the playoffs again. It was _why_ they were losing, _why_ the playoffs seem so distant at the moment. At least why to him. They were missing Dougie. _He_ was missing Dougie. A lot. Practice, the games, even simply being on the ice didn’t feel right. He needed that solid presence. The knowledge that Dougie was there, not just to play the game, but for him, to protect him.

A lot of people talk about their differences. How different they look, the way they play, but mainly the age difference. But to Andrei seven years wasn’t too far apart. He liked to focus on what they shared. Both were top ten, first round draft picks. They both were 18 years old when drafted and both had older brothers drafted and playing in NHL before them. Both played in the Hlinka Gretzky Cup, Quebec Esso Cup, and World Junior Championship along with playing in the OHL before their NHL careers. It almost felt like a shared journey (ignoring the whole Russian v Canadian thing).

But it’s all he feels anymore. “Тоска”. The restlessness. The wanting for something he doesn’t actually have. He aimlessly scrolls through his Instagram feed, leg jittery. He sees the official Canes account posted a picture of him with a puppy from the casino party a few nights ago. Then he sees the comment Dougie made. A simple, “Hey Svech” with a puppy emoji. He has to put the phone down.

They’re not losing just because Dougie’s recovery is taking so long. There are a lot of injuries right now. Too many. Brett, Petr, James, Sami. Not to forget losing two of his friends in the trade. So many missing, but Dougie’s absence hurts the most. Sure Dougie’s somewhere around the Arena, but when Andrei’s on the ice, he has to start looking around more, checking who’s there now. Dougie _always_ had his back and not just because it was his job as a defenseman. They were friends. Good friends. ~~Just friends.~~

He thinks back to doing the charity pet calendar. The way Dougie’s arm so naturally, automatically draped around his shoulders, pulling him so close, feeling the heat coming off his body. The genuine, huge smiles on their faces. He thinks about the ‘famous movie lines’ bit they did together. How the PR team choose for them to say, “Did we just become best friends?” “Yup!” He thinks about the ‘scootering with three amigos’ video they did together, the teasing, the banter. Maybe he thinks too much. At least, he thinks about Dougie too much. He tries to reconcile with himself. It wasn’t just him. The team, the fans, the commentators. They all loved it. Their friendship. The chemistry, on and _off_ the ice.

He picks up his phone. _Should I text him? Tell him how much I miss him? He’ll probably laugh it off. Say,_ “I’ll be back soon!” _or_ “What are you talking about? I still see you all the time!” He wouldn’t get it. How much he misses; just how much Andrei wants. Not just what they already have. Something else, something more. But Andrei doesn’t like admitting that. He’d never say it out loud, let alone to Dougie. Sometimes he thinks about telling his big brother. Emphasis on “thinks about”. He’s gotten _so_ close a couple times, but the words never actually come out. He doesn’t have the courage to do it. He knows his mom knows, and she knows that he knows that she knows, etc. There’s always something _extra_ in his looks, his glances; the glances that always lasts too long and probably should be called something other than just ‘glances’. It’s the way he always checks to see how Dougie reacts to something he does. When he does a certain play or makes a really hard shot, he always checks for Dougie’s face first, to see his smile, his pride. He _needs_ to see it, how proud Dougie is, how happy he is. And now, game after game after game, Dougie's not there and he needs it, needs him. Maybe he needs too much.

Then he realizes, maybe it’s not just “Тоска” he’s been feeling this whole time. Maybe there’s something else that fueling it all. The thinking too much, the needing too much. Another word, another feeling that starts with an “L” in both English and Russian. But he shouldn’t think about that. He can’t, not with the losses, the playoffs, the league…Hell, his country. _How could I play for Russia?_ But then he remembers, the World Anti-Doping Agency banned Russia from all international sport for four years (after it found out the Russian Anti-Doping Agency had been manipulated by the authorities about its state-sponsored doping scheme). Playing for Russia wouldn’t even be an opportunity the next Olympics and by the Olympics after that, it would be 2026 and who knows? Would Putin still be in power? Could the laws change? Or should he just get his American citizenship after the 2022 Winter Olympics? Or should he- _what the hell?_ _How did he get here?_ He’s so, so far ahead of himself. He doesn’t even know when they’ll win again, let alone know what happen two years from now. He’s not even in a relationship with Dou- _No_. _Don’t go there. Don’t even think of that possibility. You’re technically straight. He’s straight. There’s nothing romantic there at all. ~~No matter what you may want. No matter how much you constantly think about it, dream about~~_ His phone chimes. It’s a text from Dougie. What’s that American saying? “Speak of the devil?”

“ _That was a tough one. I know it sucks right now but keep your head up! We’ve come back from worse! And I’ll be back soon enough.”_

But never soon enough for Andrei. It’s never enough for him.


	2. Dougie

Dougie hates it, the waiting. Walking around PNC Arena doing nothing when he longed to be on the ice. He hates not being out there to help his team win. Loss after loss and all he can do is watch. The first month of recovery was easier. Fresh out of surgery he couldn’t do much and was forced to limited movement and then the scooter. Missing the All-Star game stung but he was an adult, he knew the dangers of the game (but sometimes he still felt the sting). It was nice to sound the siren and get the jersey signed by so many fans but now, but as he gradually got better and better, he also grew more and more bored, restless, wanting nothing more than to do his damn job with his friends. He wishes there was a better word for everything he was feeling, the longing, the _ache_ he swears he could feel in his soul. He needed that adrenaline. Putting on the skates, the uniform, the gloves, holding the stick, walking out in front of a crowd, it was a special ritual for him, almost spiritual. It didn’t matter if the crowd was cheering or booing, he fed off the energy, motivating him either way. The thrill of defending his teammates, watching them do the plays they practiced so hard on, hugging them when they score.

Nine years in the league. It was a long time, but he never got tired of it. Especially now that he felt he found a team he could really call home. Friends he knew he could count on, friends that wouldn’t talk shit about him to the press behind his back. Unlike Boston and Calgary, Carolina accepted him and made him one of their own, with coach defending him so quickly after the trade, saying he was just misunderstood. No one cared that he was a little different, joking that “the North Carolina Museum of Art is just five minutes away” and that they’d go with him any time; but he knew they weren’t just joking, they’d actually go, they meant it. They were good, genuine guys that had so much passion but still didn’t mind being silly and that’s exactly what he needed.

Dougie won’t lie, he doesn’t believe in that, it definitely helped that Andrei joined at the same time as him. The better he got to know him, the more Dougie realized how much they had in common. They played the same tournaments in their youth, made it to Juniors, and loved being the little brother despite neither of them being small in any sense. He took a lot of pride in seeing Andrei do so well so quickly. He deserved the praise, the hype. Being the first guy to score a lacrosse goal in the NHL was a big fucking deal and Dougie loved to tease him about it. Andrei would always stammer and blush whenever Dougie complimented him, so he made sure to do it as often as possible without being too over the top. Dougie told himself it was to help Andrei, to make him feel good about himself, boost his ego, play better, but Dougie also loved knowing he has that effect on Andrei, seeing the pink on his cheeks, unable to meet his eyes. Dougie wanted to be the one to make him smile, to be happy all the time. It’s impossible, making someone happy all the time, but Dougie was sure he could do it, he’d do anything for Andrei. 

When he was first starting out, he tried not to think or feel about it, the possibility to being ‘different’ from the other players and not just because of his personality. He had pushed it down and a lot of resentment built up over the years. Switching teams didn’t help the first time but at Carolina he finally felt comfortable admitting certain truths to himself. He knew what he could and couldn’t say to the public but that wasn’t as important as knowing who he was in private. As he had gotten over his internal crisis, he felt like it was his job to guide and help the rookies with any of theirs. But the problem with helping Andrei was that he sometimes saw _it_ , the looks Andrei gave him, the ones ‘just friends’ didn’t give. How could he help Andrei if Dougie was what he wanted? It was those times Dougie sometimes felt guilty for all the times he would make Andrei blush with his teasing, when he realized what Andrei really felt, the emotions fueling the glances his way. _Was he leading him on? Is he too young for this?_ But Andrei never made a move, he never brought it up: the near constant, not so innocent touching and looking, and Dougie didn’t want to pressure him about it; it’s Andrei’s job to figure out who he is, and what he feels. Andrei isn’t stupid and he’s confident, if he wanted something, he would take it, Dougie knew that.

At the same time, Dougie couldn’t help what _he_ wanted. He couldn’t help but wonder if maybe Andrei didn’t understand what he wanted yet or if he did, maybe he couldn’t admit it yet. But that was okay, Dougie understood, he was in his shoes before. Andrei was only nineteen for God’s sake. If Andrei could hear his thoughts he would insist, “I’m almost 20!”, Dougie could almost hear him, but barely hanging on to his teenage years Dougie knew figuring out feelings was hard at any age. Not to forgot Andrei was Russian, which led to another host of problems for them. _Them?_ Dougie needs to stop. There was no “them”. At least, not right now, not yet. Maybe, just maybe, when Andrei finally figured somethings out, when he finally learned how to cook, do his laundry, be an Adult adult, maybe then they could finally do what they both wanted. But if all his trades, injuries, and experience taught him anything it’s that: you never know what life will throw at you next. But he still had hope, hope for a “them”, even if it was just a small possibility. If there was anything Dougie had, it was perseverance. He would keep his head down, do his job, and wait, helping wherever he could. It’s what he’s always done, what he’ll always do, and he’d do anything for Andrei. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't help but also write Dougie's POV. Sorry to the Bruins and Flames for the lowkey diss but we love Dougie Hamilton in this house and will protect him no matter what. Hope you enjoyed the similarities and differences in their thought processes.


	3. Andrei

God, the win felt _so_ fucking good after the drought. The SAT line felt so right. No matter the history between Finland and Russia, it didn’t matter to them, they were too young to care about all that anyway. Sebastian, Andrei and Teuvo, just had it, that connection. It wasn’t just practice and talent (although they all had a lot of both), the three of them together just had that mental link, that magic. Then, with the new guys finally settling in he hoped it was all a good sign for the future. Plus it was a big distraction from everything he was feeling, who he was missing the most.

The next game was even better, it was _good_ hockey, and everything felt like it was falling into place. From the veterans to the newbies, everyone playing just right. It was these weekends he loved the most, the back to back wins. It wasn’t the same without Dougie, but he was finally getting used to it now. Then he immediately felt guilty. He didn’t want to get used to playing without Dougie. It was such a fine line, being happy about winning alongside his team but still feeling bad about the absence of his favorite person. Although not “his” in the sense he wanted but…never mind, he’s _not_ going down that line of thinking, not again.

It was a twisted cycle. By trying so hard _not_ to think about Dougie, he was in fact thinking about Dougie. He didn’t know how to stop it. He just didn’t know how to think anymore. It was like he couldn’t control his brain and he hated it. Did that mean he hated himself? _Can you still like yourself while hating how you think?_ He wishes he could figure that out and get an answer one day. Maybe if he was more mature and had more life experience. Everyone else seemed like they knew what they were doing and he was just faking it. People called him confident, but that was also partly because of his youth, him not really knowing what he was getting into half the time. He didn’t know how to be an adult, and _everyone knew_ how helpless he was at taking care of himself. _Why would Dougie choose someone like that?_

Sometimes he wondered how much they noticed, the team. He’s sure Warren has his suspicions. _~~Oh my god, was Dougie suspicious?~~_ The “Three Amigos” all started at the same time, but Warren already had a strong, healthy relationship with his girlfriend whereas he and Dougie hadn’t had anything you could call “significant” before they came to Raleigh. He often asked himself whether that was the reason he felt the pull to Dougie or if it was all evitable. ~~If _they_ were meant to be.~~ While the idea of ‘fate’ and ‘destiny’ was very Russian, he still felt very childish believing in it and of all the people who he wanted to see him as an adult, Dougie obviously topped the list.

He should try harder. Not let his mom do all the work at home. But that’s easier said than done. He keeps telling himself he’ll stop all his bad habits soon, but someone once told him the American saying, “old habits die hard” and he really understood it now. He honestly never lasted long with his promises. But he knew if he wanted to be a good partner to anyone, if he wanted even a small chance at a future relationship, especially with someone older and had their shit together already, he really needed to put as much effort into his resolutions as he put into the game.

_What was stopping him? Why was he so scared?_

So much. Too much.

But at the same time… _Dougie._

_~~“Them.”~~ _


	4. Dougie

Dougie breathed a sigh of relief. They were finally winning again. It felt so good to see his teammates happy. Honestly? It was about time they got their shit together. Although, maybe he shouldn’t judge them as harshly as he is. He still doesn’t know what it’s like to actually play with the new trades, but they seemed nice enough when he met them and of course he’s ready and willing to give them as much help as they need in adjusting to Raleigh. He rests assured with all the new reports from Andrei and Warren being more and more positive as time passes. But then again, all that didn’t really matter unless they kept it up.

Dougie took everything with a grain of salt. All his past girlfriends complained about it, the constant reminder to be careful about getting too comfortable with anything, how nothing stays. Maybe that’s why they never did. Or was it because he never fully committed? There’s always blame to go around. He realizes now that it was probably his underlying identity issues fueling his commitment issues. Relationships are a give and a take and since he wasn’t being fully honest before, he wasn’t really giving himself properly, it wasn’t a fair share on his part. But he knew who he was now, feeling more comfortable than ever he’s ready to commit and he planned on doing it as soon as possible ( _with the right person_ ).

He was upset he had to miss Dzingel’s birthday but planned on doing something for him soon to make up for his absence. Sometimes (and he honestly should have grown out of this behavior by now) he grew self-conscious about putting too much attention on Andrei and not on the others. He especially felt bad for Warren, who was unconsciously third wheeling at times. He tried to make up for it by doing some extra thing for the rest of the guys every now and again, particularly birthdays. Then he always felt really guilty for his reasons, for not doing it out of pure friendship but to cover up for the fact that he was in lo- _no (maybe??)_ had a crus- _no, crush didn’t cover it all…_ ”felt” certain “things” for “one person”.

It was a fucked-up process, but he couldn’t stop himself. An unhealthy coping mechanism from his pre-Canes days and one he used most of his life: hiding his true feelings. He believed he was protecting himself while making others happy. It was a delicate balance between his morals and survival instincts; he wasn’t technically lying about anything, but he was also still technically hiding something. Most journalists understood he was a private person and didn’t want to talk about his personal life, so he hasn’t been outright asked any unwanted, uncomfortable questions about his romantic relationships. However, as it falls under the category of professional questioning, he is asked about Andrei and their relationship. He just does his little song and dance for the press like always.

Except for one time.

One time, and he doesn’t know why, he just couldn’t help but to answer the question honestly.

“ _I don’t know...I just like him, and I hope he likes me._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short, but sweet (with a little angst along the way because of course).


	5. Andrei

If there was ever a time to feel tocka is would be now: no hockey, no going out, no anything.

“…great spiritual anguish…a dull ache of the soul, a longing with nothing to long for, a sick pining, a vague restlessness, mental throes, yearning...At the lowest level it grades into ennui, boredom.”

What else perfectly describes being stuck in the house all day with no real purpose?

The first week it hadn’t really sunk in yet. Not sure how long everything would last, he tried his best to stay positive, posting a fun challenge for the fans.

The second week it was starting to feel just a bit weird but again he was trying to be positive, so he tried to distract himself with things around the house; having a simple, lowkey birthday that still felt good and in the end that’s what really mattered.

Week Three is when reality hit. Andrei knows how to wait. How to practice the same tricks over and over again day in and day out, to wait a long time for the payout, but this was different. Not only could he not guess when the payout would come but neither could anyone else, and that’s what scared him. Thankfully, his brother came down them and it felt like a missing puzzle piece fit into place, everything felt a little easier knowing Zhenya was there to help him.

Then, finally, in the midst of it all, Dougie got the okay. He was “good to go”, and Andrei could feel the weight come off his chest. It was weird, while the world was going to hell, but in his circle, things were looking up. As he basked in the sun, sitting in the warm grass outside their apartment building, breathing in the fresh air, he looked at his brother in front of him and Dougie next to him, and thought, “ _Wow. Here are two of the people I care about most having fun together_.” It startled him, his whole life he had only one end game but right now, hockey was the last thing on his mind.

Andrei insisted they had to celebrate Dougie’s official recovery. They were in the Outer Banks a week later. As he felt the boat rock with the ocean waves, he simply stared at Dougie. His brother had been teasing him for it, the way he keeps looking at Dougie. “любоваться”, Zhenya kept saying, calling him out. Dougie had caught on to the teasing tone and asked for a translation, making Andrei blush, but (thank God) Zhenya didn’t have one, again there was no a literal translation for this word.

But he was doing it again and again, любоваться. The best way Andrei could define it was like this: basking in the wonderment of whatever it is your looking at, taking enormous pleasure from just being in its presence. A much more self-indulgent feeling than the English ‘admire’.

Inevitability, he was caught staring but Dougie only smiled and asked him, “What are you feeling right now?”.

He thought about it: being on the ocean, relaxing, with Zhenya and Dougie and then laughed when he finally found the word for what he was feeling.

“What?”, Dougie asked.

“It’s another word in Russian, no real translation”, Andrei answered.

Dougie looked intrigued now, sitting up a little straighter. “Try your best”, he insisted.

Andrei took a breath. He thought for a minute and Dougie patiently waited for him to find the right words. “Воля. A feeling that…anything is possible. Nothing can hold you back. Like freedom but...more.”

Dougie’s face scrunches up in confusion, “But we're literally not supposed to be doing anything right now. How do you feel something that’s ‘more than freedom’"?

Andrei ducks his head and runs his fingers through his hair. He lets out another deep breath, hyping himself up, quickly checking to see if his brother is still sound asleep, and meets Dougie eyes. Heart in his throat, he pushes down all his fears, and finally admits, “That’s how I feel when I’m with you.”

Dougie freezes. Andrei can almost see the gears working in his head as he processes Andrei’s confession.

Dougie probably sat there motionless for maybe 30 seconds but to Andrei it felt like a lifetime. He’s honestly not sure how he found the courage to say what he was really feeling, it was a split second decision, but he felt lighter no longer hiding the feelings he had been holding in for so long. 

He waited for it all to blow up in his face but when Dougie seemed to come to his senses, a smile was slowly creeping onto his face.

“Me too.”

Two words. Two words just flipped Andrei’s entire world upside down. But he had to make sure. (He could be dreaming or something.) “What do you mean?”, he asked anxiously.

Dougie laughed. Not one of his big, booming laughs but one of his soft, happy ones. “I mean, I feel the same when I’m with you. ‘More than free’”. 

Andrei let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. They didn’t say anything else until the captain called them to come out, but they didn’t need to.

As they woke up Zhenya and went out to the boat deck, Andrei again kept stealing glances but Dougie smiled back every time. As he took in the ocean, hand resting inches from Dougie’s, he thought of the power of silence, the power of a look, a touch.

In the end, English or Russian, they didn’t need a language to communicate with each other, to understand, to know.

Because sometimes, words fail to express what we’re feeling. Sometimes, words aren’t enough.

But them?

They were.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I debated for a month whether or not to add this chapter but I'm a sucker for happy endings. I'm honestly ending it here because we've come full circle with Dougie making a full recovery. I hope you understand why I changed the title of the work with this chapter. 
> 
> Thank you for reading! I really hope you enjoyed it!

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!! 
> 
> You can talk to me on [tumblr](https://ilikemyficthicc.tumblr.com/)


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